Episode 2: You Hear A Creak

Episode 2

MEGHAN:

Previously, on Quest Laid Plans:

[theme music begins]

MEGHAN:

We open our saga in Dawnlight, the home of Saint Simone's Adventuring Guild, that produced the heroes who saved the world a decade ago at the fateful battle of Horizon Fall. Victory would not have been possible if the leader of the party, the elven paladin Khiron Omaralei, had not sacrificed her life to ensure the Dreadnought's demise. It is now the tenth anniversary of the battle of Horizon Fall, and we see Dawnlight and Saint Simone's bustling in preparation for a great celebration.

JESSE:

My character is a human sorceror named Esther Mifiance, definitely a golden boy in every sense of the word.

ESTHER:

Are there any questions? There should be!

PHIL:

I am Kit Marpola. I am a water genasi monk.

KIT:

We have a long tradition of channeling our feelings and our anger into productive, defensive, helpful means.

PHIL:

Kit's really confused about what's going on with Esther, because of the last conversation that we had.

MEGHAN:

And it's your old friend Porla.

PORLA:

I mean, there's all so much more that we all could have done, right? This weekend is hard for everyone, and I just wanted to say I'm glad you're here.

ESTHER:

Are you organizing all of this?

PORLA:

Yeah... I work here.

WINSWIP:

Ah... Jewelry! I'm selling jewelry, over here, if you want... Um, I'm Winswip, by the way.

LESLIE:

Like-- you're Wins-- like THE Winswip?

MAYA:

She's half gnome, she's half genasi.

MEGHAN:

[whispering] She's a ge-gnome-sy. [aloud] She's a ge-gnome-sy.

JAMIE:

And you see your old friend, Aveline Javri Skywatcher.

AVELINE:

Hey! Stop making s'mores on my familiar!

JAMIE:

Addie is a dik-dik, which is a tiny antelope. She is a dik-dik made of fire.

AVELINE:

How are you doing? How have the last ten years been?

WINSWIP:

It's wild when you just put it out there, ten whole years, my goodness.

NEDA:

My character's name is Noriah, a lightfoot halfling. All of you remember her as a rogue, but she looks like she may or may not have some magic on her, as well.

MEGHAN:

And it is your old party mate, Brekx. And you hear them go:

BREKX:

Oi! Have you talked to Porla at all?

NORIAH:

Um...

BREKX:

It's hard to describe what Porla's deal is unless you've seen it.

NORIAH:

We gotta go, right?

BREKX:

I guess I fuckin' have to, right?

NORIAH:

Yeah.

BREKX:

I mean it's for Khiron.

BREKX:

Alright, well, let's just suck it up and go then, maybe there'll be lots of alcohol there.

[music fades out]

[theme song plays]

[theme song fades out]

MEGHAN:

Welcome to Quest Laid Plans, the podcast that asks the question, can an old party learn new tricks? I'm Meghan Kelleher, I am your dungeonmaster, and with me are five people who just showed up at my doorstep.

MAYA:

Hi, I'm stranger number one, Maya S. Ming, and I play Winswip Pom, air genasi gnome, rune fighter.

PHIL:

I'm Phil Arevalo. I'm playing Kit Marpola, a water genasi monk.

JESSE:

I am Jesse B. Koehler, playing the human boy, golden boy, Esther Mifiance, sorceror.

JAMIE:

Hi, I'm Jamie Hathaway, and I'm playing Aveline Javri Skywatcher, with loyal dik-dik familiar, Addie.

NEDA:

Hi, I'm Neda Marie Valcheva, and I play the halfling wizard rogue Noriah Windsworn, a stranger to everyone here.

MEGHAN:

I feel like Jesse's character's business card does say, Esther Mifiance, comma, sorceror.

JESSE:

Human boy, golden boy. NEDA: And this is where we play some D&D.

MEGHAN:

We love it.

MEGHAN:

As you head out of the house and onto campus, you see that the sun is starting to go down. We head back over to the drinks tent, where we see Aveline and we see Winswip and ah-- Kit, you see these two friends enter that you haven't seen in a while, what do you do?

PHIL:

Yeah, so, at the drinks tent I've actually set up a table that says, "Hit me and get a free sample of our organic sake".

[laughter]

PHIL:

So, and I'm like sort of cursing myself, because I'm like,

KIT:

Oh my gosh, I forgot to mention during that presentation that we have organic sake, these kids love that shit, should've mentioned it, okay..."

PHIL:

Alright, so I'm just standing there, I have these bottles of sake that have like an Asian moon bear on it as like, the symbol of the monastery, and I have my monk headband on, I have my like, eskrima sticks, kind of ready to go and I'm sort of like, trying to look tough, looking around. No one's taken me up on this offer to like hit me because they think it's totally not like, worth it at all. And I look over, I see Winswip and Aveline, and I immediately-- I catch their-- I catch Aveline's eye first, I think, because I'm about-- I'm a little shorter than her, like 5-- I'm like 5'10". I say,

KIT:

Hey hey! Nice to see you! I know it hasn't been so long-- why don't you come over?

PHIL:

And I give Aveline a hug.

JAMIE:

[laughing] This is-- This is not what Aveline was expecting, because she walks in, sees you standing in front of like, the table with the sign that says like, "Hit me for a free drink", and so as you go in for the hug, Aveline has like, half drawn out the quarter-staff and is like going for a hit, and you kind of just awkwardly hug yourself onto a quarter-staff that has shillelagh like active on it--

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

Aveline, Aveline I need you to make an attack roll.

[laughter]

MAYA:

Oh no!

MEGHAN:

I need you to make an attack roll.

JAMIE:

Okay.

NEDA:

PvP already?

JESSE:

Yeah, get that PvP going!

MEGHAN:

The first attack of the game is an accidental PvP.

JAMIE:

Could we say I have cast the shillelagh cantrip immediately so that that's already active?

MEGHAN:

Yeah, it's a cantrip, so why not, yeah.

JAMIE:

So I have a +8 to hit with this.

PHIL:

Oh Jesus, [laughing] oh no.

JAMIE:

That's only a 9, so a 17 to hit?

PHIL:

That-- That hits.

[laughter]

JESSE:

Good, good, good.

MEGHAN:

Oh god, so Kit you go in for a hug and you-- you get a shillelagh to the--

JAMIE:

You take 11 damage.

[laughter]

PHIL:

That's uh-- fine? Question mark?

[laughter]

PHIL:

So yeah, you're like basically drawing the shillelagh and I'm coming in for the hug and it just whacks me like straight across the face [laughs] because I'm like coming in to hug--

JAMIE:

Yeah-- I'm like still extending to go for like a chest hit or something as you're coming towards, so I just sock you right in the middle of the chest with my shillelaghed quarter-staff.

PHIL:

And it hits me, I look down, and I see Winswip and I'm like,

KIT:

Oh-- Uh--

WINSWIP:

Aveline!

MAYA:

And Winswip is like, just instantly going to help brace Kit--

PHIL:

Hi...

MAYA:

--as he kinda stumbles back.

WINSWIP:

Oh wow, are you okay?!

KIT:

Yeah I'm-- I'm good, long, uh, long time no see.

KIT:

Why don't--

WINSWIP:

Ah...

KIT:

Aveline, uh, that really fucking hurt--

AVELINE:

I'm sorry, dude!

KIT:

--but come and have some sake. Winswip, you come too, let's just have a drink.

AVELINE:

I was-- I was gonna do a cool thing where it was like, "Hey Winswip, look, it's Kit", and then I was gonna like, walk up and hit you, and be like, "Ha ha, free drinks!" and pretend like we hadn't seen each other recently, but, um, you trying to hug me kind of undercut the whole thing, so let's-- ah-- let's just have a drink. [laughs]

KIT:

Yeah, it's-- it's fine...

PHIL:

And I pour them some of the sake.

WINSWIP:

Oh wow, you've-- you've seen each other recently?

KIT:

Yeah. Aveline, uh...

WINSWIP:

Oh, wow.

KIT: Y

eah, she was ah-- she came over, what, like uh, less than a year ago, right? Just a couple of months ago--

AVELINE:

Yeah. A few months ago.

KIT:

--you were over, and we had a good--

KIT:

--had a good chat.

JAMIE: A

veline intentionally projects their voice a little bit, and is like,

AVELINE:

Yeah, that monastery on the volcano is really cool! Anyone who doesn't know what to do with their life would love the volcano! Hitting stuff on the volcano!

MEGHAN:

Give me a persuasion check, Aveline.

[laughter]

JAMIE:

Oh, what do I add to persuasion... That is an 11.

MEGHAN:

Total?

JAMIE:

Yep. Total. I rolled a 10 and it's +1.

MEGHAN:

You see a couple kids look up and then they look at you for a moment and they're like, "Hm!"and then they look at Kit, who's just like, clutching his chest and staggering, and like, shakily pouring out some sake, and they're like, "Nah".

[laughter]

PHIL:

I-- Ah, fuck you. Ah...

[laughter]

PHIL:

I'm like packing up the table after I've poured the sake, while I'm talking to you guys. I say,

KIT:

[sighs] Yeah, so ah... Yeah Aveline and I, we... Yeah, she came over, you know, we had a good chat, ah, you know, we talked about our sweet new jewelry, like ah-- I think you saw her necklace right, like I got some pretty, ah, pretty sweet necklace too.

WINSWIP:

Yeah! No, I... I saw that. Volcano, right? That's new, right?

KIT:

Yeah, um, so... Yeah, started a...

WINSWIP:

Maybe not NEW new, but...

KIT:

Yeah, so we're recruiting because I got to start like a satellite facility--

WINSWIP:

Oh.

KIT:

--you know, I'm in charge of it, and ah... You know, my uh... My uh... Um... I have a life partner, Sampa, she's a--

WINSWIP:

Oh.

KIT:

--yeah, no, she's helping me, and you know, we--

MAYA:

Winswip downs the shot.

[laughter and fake gasps]

MAYA:

While he's talking.

KIT:

So yeah, things are-- things are going great. How've you been?

WINSWIP:

Um... I've been... great. I've been... Is that Porla over there?

MAYA:

And she just fully leaves.

[laughter]

MAYA:

I don't even know if she saw Porla, she just left.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

You skedaddle off out of the tent.

PHIL:

I look at Aveline and I'm like,

KIT:

Um... I didn't tell you this when you came before, but uh... Winswip did come to visit me, didn't--

AVELINE:

You also--

KIT:

--it was a little weird.

AVELINE:

--didn't mention the life partner thing.

KIT:

And she hasn't really seen me since.

AVELINE:

We were talking about the obsidian, and we talked about gender and religion, but, um, long-term relationships? I mean, good for you, but...

KIT:

Yeah! Um...

AVELINE:

That's usually a thing people lead with, right?

KIT:

Um...

AVELINE:

When you haven't seen someone for nine years, it's like, "Hey! Here's my sweet volcano monastery, here's my spouse!

[laughter]

AVELINE:

Here's all the kids I'm helping to raise!"Are you raising them with anyone?

KIT:

[stammering]

AVELINE:

That would be a normal way to lead, there, Kit!

[laughter]

KIT:

Yeah so I might have left-- You know, um... Yeah... This has been a little... I'm gonna-- I need to use the-- the bathroom... I'll be back. In a bit. In a long time.

[all laughing]

MEGHAN:

Listen, sometimes you want to be honest with people and set up the right expectations. As you leave the tent-- As you are stepping out, you hear the great booming voice of the lion guy from before. You know that is Kyralius Murrie, who is the head of the adventuring guild. He is a ve-- He has been there since before your time as an adventurer here, and has not changed a bit at all, except there's a little bit more gray in his mane. And without turning around, Kit, you hear him go,

KYRELIUS:

Alright everybody, it's time for the dinner! The food's ready and the music is hot! And we are all ready to cut a rug, let's all go.

KIT:

Ah, uh-- Ky-- Kyr--

PHIL:

I like elbow him as I go past, like,

KIT:

Kyrelius, can I uh-- Can you change my table?

[gasps and laughter]

KYRELIUS:

[sputtering] What-- Can I--

NEDA:

This-- Excuse me, this is where Noriah is just entering the situation with,

NORIAH:

Fuck no you're not changing his table! Kit! If I'm coming, you're coming! We're all sitting at the same table.

BREKX:

Hey Kit, how is it possible you got MORE awkward in the last ten years, I didn't think it was possible.

[laughter]

NORIAH:

Hi, hello! We're sitting at the same table.

KIT:

Oh, hi-- Oh, long-- really, fuckin' ti-- Whoa, jeez, long time no see!

NEDA:

I'm like holding my arms out for a hug.

PHIL:

I like-- I like very tentatively go in for a hug, and as I'm hugging, it presses, like, the hug is a little too tight, it presses against my chest, which was like just hit, I'm like,

KIT:

Owwww!

NORIAH:

Are you hurt?

KIT:

I'm fine!

NORIAH:

Did you fight some-- Are you fighting at the reunion already?

KIT:

No! No--

NORIAH:

Who are you fighting?

KIT:

I'm not-- I'm not-- Um... You know what, let's just go over to the dinner--

NORIAH:

Let's just go sit at our own table, that we have with all of our old friends--

KIT:

Friends! Exactly. Friends.

MEGHAN:

Kyrelius is like,

KYRELIUS:

Ah, yes! That's the right idea! We've got-- Come on, let's go on over to the dinner, and we can all catch up then--

NORIAH:

Hi, Kyrelius, hi.

KYRELIUS:

Helloooo, Noriah! Wow, look at you.

NORIAH: S

orry to interrupt, I just didn't want my very good friends to be changing tables at this important event that I... really wanted to attend with EVERYone I know.

KYRELIUS:

Well, of course, of course! You're the guests of honor, and you've got the table of honor. Come on, I'll show you.

MEGHAN:

And uh, he kind of leads you off into a different tent, which is much bigger and much fancier. It wasn't there before. You can kind of tell that it's just been set up, perhaps by the people that Porla was trying to deal with. And, uh, as you enter, you see that it's really beautifully lit inside. It's gotten dark outside, and there's all sorts of like magical and non-magical fairy lights everywhere, and lots of different colors.

[percussive music fades in]

There's tons of round tables with white cloths, and folding chairs. It's kind of like any prom that you've been to. And there's like-- In the center, there's like a big dance floor. You see at the far end, um-- You see a DJ that's a tortle-man, with headphones. A turtle with headphones. This is where I get represented.

[percussive music stops]

JAMIE:

Uh, hear that, fan artists?

JESSE:

Aww.

JAMIE:

Any fan art of the party you do have to include

[

laughter]

JAMIE:

Meghan the DM as a tortle with headphones.

JESSE:

Our DM-- as a turtle...

MAYA:

DM DJ.

JAMIE:

The unofficial fancast.

NEDA:

DM DJ, turtle-- headphones, blue hair, glasses.

JESSE:

Can't be stopped.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, this is my, this is my, um, DM PC.

[laughter]

Ah-- Goddamn it.

[laughter]

I could have saved it, but instead I blew it on the turtle DJ.

JAMIE:

Brekx and Porla are not involved in the campaign, this unnamed turtle DJ, absolutely key to the whole story.

NEDA:

He is actually the big bad evil guy.

>MEGHAN:

Dammit!

JAMIE:

I roll an investigation check on the DJ.

MEGHAN:

No, you see that the DJ is fuckin' like, popping off, like going hard, raging to like, some really, really, like, down-tempo bossa nova.

[percussive music fades in]

JAMIE:

Is it a Hozier cover?

JESSE:

Sure. Sure, sure, sure.

[laughter]

>MEGHAN:

Sure, sure, sure. Sure, it's a bossa nova cover of 'Take Me To Church'. It's like, [singing] doo do d d doo, doo do do d dooo, doo, doo, doo, my lover's got-- do do do,

[loungey organ and acoustic bass fade in]

you know...

[laughter]

NEDA:

Wow! That slaps. That slaps.

[laughter]

But also like, change it just enough that we do not get sued by Andrew Hozier.

MEGHAN:

This is an alternate universe Andrew Hozier, and the pantheon is different, so it's a different church.

NEDA:

Which church did Andrew Hozier want to go to?

MEGHAN:

He didn't live long enough to pick a god, sadly, he was, ah, killed.

JESSE:

He was one of the first to go.

NEDA:

So he was just begging for the-- he was begging for the concept of church.

MEGHAN:

Jesus, I feel like I need to explain this to the listeners and the rest of the party. The very first thing we did that was even like, vaguely in the world of this campaign, is that me and Neda and Jamie played The Quiet Year, which is Avery Alder, who wrote that, and so we were like, "What if we build a world that is, maybe, the basis of this world?" And in many, but not all ways, I did use a lot of what we came up with, and one of the things was that one of the original survivors of the apocalypse happened to be Hozier, and he started an inter-species a capella group with some sentient animals, and was sadly murdered by some barbecue dads, who were threatened by his, uh, tender masculinity.

JESSE:

Like you do. Like the way it goes.

MEGHAN:

Like you do. So, ah-- and I'll leave it to you to decide whether that's actually canon or not, because I can't have that fuckin' blood on my hands. Okay, so anyway-- The turtle is popping off in a way that didn't merit that much description. And you find you-- You see Kyrelius kind of lead you to this table, it really looks like a place of honor, it's sort of like in the middle of everything, it's visible by everybody, it's very well-lit by like kind of a drop spot that's like, not so subtle. It is in a prime location, near both the buffet and the DJ without being too loud. Just like, A-plus table.

JESSE:

I think Esther is already sitting at the table, but in like, the like-- leaning, on the table, like not in a chair, like resting like on the table and is like talking--

MEGHAN:

And it's like a little bit shorter than it would be, it's not like a cocktail high-top, it's like--

JESSE:

Yeah, yeah, yeah-- and is talking to-- like, has just like, trapped one of the servers, even though it is a buffet so maybe this person has-- Esther has mistaken them, but is talking to one of the servers and is like,

ESTHER:

Yeah, I mean, I think it's one of the most noble professions, what you do. I mean, you're-- you're on your feet every day, you're changing the game, I think it's really incredible.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

The waiter's like,

WAITER:

Thanks, man, like-- It's all about like, hustle and grind, you know what I mean, you gotta like, rise and grind, get to work, get the cocktails in the hands of the people, and then the second that it's even a little bit low, like the second that the ice is like, a little bit un-submerged from the drink, you gotta swoop in, you gotta get another one, because you gotta make that money.

ESTHER:

Absolutely, man. I mean, yeah, sure. But my question for you though is, are you grinding your self?

[laughter]

Isn't that the key, right? Are you on the grind of yourself. Because you can be doing whatever job you want, but if you're changing yourself every day, that's all that matters. It doesn't matter if that ice is dropping, what matters is if you're dropping. Do you understand what I'm saying?

[laughter]

WAITER:

Are you-- Are you propositioning me for sex?

ESTHER:

Um... No, because you're... Nineteen?

[laughter]

Twenty?

WAITER:

How did you know that?

ESTHER:

It's all over your face, my friend. But I will take another gin and tonic, and you can hold the tonic.

WAITER:

Uh... Yes sir.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

And he leaves awkwardly.

JESSE:

Oh Jesus.

MEGHAN:

So you catch the tail end of this as the rest of you approach the table.

NEDA:

As a way of greeting, Esther feels just a tiny pinch on like his forearm.

NORIAH:

What the hell is that?

ESTHER:

What?

NORIAH:

Are you hitting on a child?

ESTHER:

I'm advising the children. What we're here to do, Noriah. I'm trying to help guide.

NORIAH:

You should not be doing any of that.

ESTHER:

Why?

NORIAH:

This person's probably making-- I don't know how much money, because Porla's paying them apparently-- hopefully it's good money. But they're not here to listen to whatever that was. That was kind of weird. Hi.

ESTHER:

Hi. Um, hi Brekx. Do you, uh, you got enough belts there?

BREKX:

Hey man, I could always use a couple more, you know.

NORIAH:

But have you considered: are you grinding your belts?

ESTHER:

Okay. Alright. Let's sit down. Thank you. Hi. Okay. Alright!

NORIAH:

Or are the belts grinding you!

BREKX:

Ah, it depends on how I'm feelin' on the night, you know what I mean?

ESTHER:

Okay. Okay. Great, great, great. Great. Awesome. So happy to be back here with all of you.

NORIAH:

What does that even mean?! Esther--

ESTHER:

It doesn't need to mean anything, Noriah, it just needs to inspire. I'm just trying to get out of this weekend-- Fine. Okay? That's all it means. That's what it means. Can we just sit down?

KIT:

Is-- Is this what you took away from our conversation? Is this-- This?!!

ESTHER:

Hi, Kit. It's been seven years since we've talked, so maybe some other stuff has happened since we've last chatted.

NORIAH:

Oh my god, can we not go into this with this energy?

ESTHER:

Yeah. I'm fine.

NEDA:

And Noriah sits down.

KIT:

Fine!

NORIAH:

Where's Winswip?

ESTHER:

Yep. I'm great.

JAMIE: W

here is Winswip? Because Aveline is still sitting at Kit's recently-vacated table, just drinking sake. And trying to ja-- Like, drum up the courage to go and see more people, given that the one person that she had spoken to in the last ten years, she's just accidentally injured. And then he's had a really awkward thing, and left. Um, so she's not in the tent yet.

MAYA:

I think actually Winswip will come back into the tent, but she went to go-- I didn't really describe what she was wearing before, but now she kind of has thrown on kind of a suit of like, dressy, sort of chain mail armor, kind of gold and white, in preparation for the evening, and she comes back in, and kind of is very scoping out where Kit was, but then just sees Aveline, and seems to-- [sighs] --breathe in relief, and ah-- goes over to her again, and says,

WINSWIP:

Um... Are you going to go in-- The dinner is about to start, are you good? Can we-- Should we go in together?

AVELINE:

Yeah, okay. Let's um-- Yeah that sounds good.

WINSWIP:

I thought that was a very-- I thought that was a very good hit that you did. It was really impressive.

AVELINE:

Thank you, it was-- Um, you know, I've been practicing a little bit. I just wasn't expecting him to hug me. We spoke a few months ago, but I didn't know we were necessarily on hugging level.

WINSWIP:

You know what, after-- One thing that I'm learning after all these years, is Kit, he's hard to read. Ah, let's go in.

MAYA:

They head in to the dinner, and I think they arrive at the table together.

WINSWIP:

Oh, everyone's here! Hi! Hi! Hi, Esther!

ESTHER:

Hi Winswip.

WINSWIP:

Hi Noriah! How are you? How is everybody?

NORIAH:

Great, no one's-- No one's fighting. No one's fighting. Hi.

WINSWIP:

Oh, so just like old times, huh?

NORIAH:

Uh huh!

NEDA:

I stand up to give her like a very big hug.

MAYA:

Oh! The best, the biggest, the tightest hug.

JAMIE:

Is Esther still kind of doing a little bit of a douchebag lean on the table?

JESSE:

No. No, no, no. Esther has fully sat down.

JAMIE:

Then I think Aveline kind of-- Instead of coming up and trying to knock one of his feet out from under him, just comes up and does a little kind of gentle shoulder punch, and is like,

AVELINE:

Hey, dude. How's it going?

ESTHER:

Hey. Good, good. How are you?

AVELINE:

I accidentally hit Kit in the chest pretty hard, and um--

ESTHER:

Yeah.

AVELINE:

--and some teens wouldn't stop trying to--

ESTHER:

Oh, nice!

AVELINE:

--make s'mores on Addie, but... Yeah! Fancy dinner, I guess.

ESTHER:

Oh! Aveline, I actually have something to show you.

AVELINE:

Cool! What is it?

ESTHER:

Uh, come here! Come here.

JESSE:

And I kind of like lead Aveline off.

JAMIE:

I step to the side.

ESTHER:

Okay. Ready?

JESSE:

And then Esther casts his Find Familiar spell, and a-- So, this is a little decision I made,

[gasps]

so Esther's familiar is a shiba husky, which is a mix of a shiba inu and a husky, but a decision is that I am going to roll a d4 every time I cast this spell, and based on like what it lands, the shiba has like a different degree of like, how fucked up it is.

[laughter]

So like a 1, it's like extremely like, posh, but then like a 2-- you know how like, some dogs, like their tongue is just always like drooping? Like, out of their mouth? And then I think like a 4 is just like the mangiest creature.

JAMIE:

Just like a super feral little gremlin dog.

MEGHAN:

[laughing] It's like DePiglio.

JESSE:

Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

PHIL:

Ahhh, that's perfect.

JAMIE:

Please roll a d7.

NEDA:

So can we-- Can we get this roll?

JESSE:

Yeah yeah yeah, we're doing the roll. [rolls] Okay, so it's a 3. So, not the greatest looking pup. Uh, so I think like the tail is like-- The hair doesn't go all the way to the end, you know, it's like a little like, rough. Its head is like, maybe, yeah, so maybe instead of it being like really high, it's more like that feral-- like, holding its head kind of low.

NEDA:

Just the worst dog.

JESSE:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so like, Esther just kind of does this like-- I don't know what the way of casting the Find Familiar-- Like, if it's like, I have to say something or it's like a hand motion.

JAMIE:

Is this-- Is this new? Did Esther learn this recently?

JESSE:

Yeah, this is new.

AVELINE:

Oh my god, dude, now I don't have to be the only person who's hiding an animal under the table at fancy events!

ESTHER:

Exactly!

AVELINE:

We can get in trouble together again.

JESSE:

Yeah so I think Esther just is,

ESTHER:

I got Addie a friend!

AVELINE:

And that friend is a dog with a high prey drive who is taller than my three-and-a-half foot antelope. Good job, buddy!

ESTHER:

Thanks, I thought it was appropriate.

[laughter]

JAMIE:

Esther does not read the sarcasm at all.

MAYA:

Winswip is gushing over Noriah, just like,

WINSWIP:

I love that dress, it's a sweater and a dress, and it looks so good, and you look so good, and, um, oh hey Brekx! Oh my gosh, look at you, you're-- You smell great.

BREKX:

Yeah, I know, thought I'd try somethin' new. Ah, it's good to see ya.

MEGHAN:

And uh, and they give you a hug.

NEDA:

Noriah mouths,

NORIAH:

Bitch!

NEDA:

at Brekx.

MEGHAN:

Brekx flashes Noriah a very pointy-toothed smile. You all see-- Actually, Kit are you still at the table?

PHIL: I'm still at the table, but I'm-- NEDA:

Kit is at the table and I want to check in with Kit, as Esther and Aveline walk away to do animal things. As that's happening, same time, still hugging-- Very much still hugging Winswip.

NORIAH:

Kit, is-- Did Aveline do that?!

KIT:

That was-- That was-- That was a total misunderstanding. That was, uh, that wasn't a big deal, I-- You know, I was trying to recruit these kids, I didn't--

NORIAH:

So you're not fighting? Because you're having weird vibes, I'm sorry but you're having weird vibes with Esther as well, and I-- are you fighting with everyone?

KIT:

I think I'm just-- I'm not having--

MAYA:

Winswip cuts in,

WINSWIP:

Oh, I-- I just-- I saw it all, it was just, you know, he was trying to demonstrate his cool monk skills and Aveline took it a little too seriously. They did great though, they hit him real good, [nervous laugh] but that's all that is. Everything-- Everything's fine.

NORIAH:

Do you need a cleric?

KIT:

Ah, you know, I-- I wouldn't-- I wouldn't say no to a cleric. But I think I need a therapist more than anything right now.

MEGHAN:

Just as you say "I wouldn't say no to a cleric", you feel a pair of brawny arms encircle you from behind and just shake the living daylights out of you, and go,

UNKNOWN PERSON:

Awwwwww, think fast, Kit!!!!!

KIT:

Ow! Oh god, careful, oh jeez--

NORIAH:

He's very hurt right now.

PHIL:

And I turn around.

MEGHAN:

It is the hottest guy any of you have ever seen.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

This extremely tall, broad-shouldered, jacked half-elf with like a ponytail, and just these like really big twinkly eyes, beautiful teeth just like flashing at you with a smile as he's kind of half-hugging, half like, squeezing to death Kit from behind, just like,

HALF-ELF:

Awww, c'mon, fight back buddy, like old times!

PHIL:

I guess I try to-- I try to break free.

MEGHAN:

Um, give me-- [laughs] We're going to do a strength contest, I guess.

PHIL:

Oh my god. [laughing] Alright.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, give me a strength check and I'll give you one too.

PHIL:

Not like, um-- I can't use like athletics?

MEGHAN:

I think this might be my first roll too.

PHIL:

Or something?

MEGHAN:

Mmmm... Let's just call it a strength contest.

PHIL:

Okay. Then that's a 12.

MEGHAN:

[rolls] Alright. You win, by quite a lot. You fight back and you manage to break free of these beefy arms, and you see-- you turn around and you see this incredibly handsome dude just sort of like laughing, and like,

HALF-ELF:

Hell yeah! Yeah! Just like we used to do, remember, we used to wrestle and-- ha ha-- now we're wrestling again-- Hi!

KIT and AVELINE:

Hi!

WINSWIP:

Hi! Um... It's good to... See you again?

HALF-ELF:

Oh it's so good to see you again too, Winswip! My gosh, it's been so long, and yeah it's just so-- I'm so, so glad that you guys were able to come, it just-- I know it means so much to my family and like everything that happened like, it just, yeah...

PHIL:

Um, can I-- Do I look at the face and do I recognize-- Does it look like someone else that I knew?

NEDA:

Do we know this hot elf?

MEGHAN:

Everybody give me a history check. Or an insight check. I'm going to say insight, I think it's insight.

JAMIE:

If I'm rolling an insight check, I just rolled a nat 19 and I have +7 to that, so that's a 26. So I think we have like--

[dice rolling]

[laughter]

PHIL:

Nice.

MEGHAN:

I'm going to say hold onto that for now, I think that Esther and Aveline are still like a llittle ways away, but I'll come back to that in a second.

PHIL:

Ah, 14.

MAYA:

13.

NEDA:

12.

MEGHAN:

Kit, I think it's you who puts together when you hear him say "it means a lot to my family"you are like, "Holy shit, this is Khabriel, this is Khiron's baby brother", who was maybe like thirteen, fourteen, last time you met him. He was one of those kids that like goes through puberty like wicked late, so just like a really tiny kid, now just the fuckin' like brawniest, jackedest, hottest, half-elf you have ever seen, and once you put it together you're like, "Oh yeah, kind of same big eyes", but that's about it.

KIT:

Oh my-- Khabriel?!

KHABRIEL:

Yeah!

WINSWIP:

Oh my gods, Khabriel!

KIT:

You've-- Oh jeez you've--

KHABRIEL:

It's Khabriel!

WINSWIP:

Wow!

NORIAH:

Ah, you're so big!

KHABRIEL:

[awkward chuckle] I know, um, yeah, I did get really big. Um, you guys got older too, it's crazy how time works right?

NEDA:

I turn to Brekx and I'm like,

NORIAH:

Yeah, you were right, that's terrible, no one should say that to a person.

[laughter]

KIT:

How's-- How's your family been? Um, I know that it was-- hard, right after, but--

KHABRIEL:

Yeah, you know, I mean like we're-- Uh, things are-- You know, they're better now, you know I mean like time helps with things, and you know, it's just really nice that Porla put all this together for us, you know, Porla, she was great, she was kind of staying with our family for a little while, you know, before she came back to work here and I think she's doing better now, so it's just really great to see all you guys, I'm, you know, over at my family's table, but I'll come-- I'll come hang out with you guys a little later, I'm just like really starving, I have to eat like six, seven meals a day to just like maintain this--

WINSWIP:

That's a lot. That's a lot of responsibility.

KIT:

Yeah, gotta get those gains.

KHABRIEL:

Gotta-- gotta get the gains, man, like bro, you-- you get it, like you know it, yes!

MEGHAN:

And he turns around and then he goes,

KHABRIEL:

Big dogs, big dogs, big dogs!

MEGHAN:

And he sees the familiars and he runs over and he squats down and he's like,

KHABRIEL:

Yes! Big dogs!

MEGHAN:

Then he hugs them, including Addie, who is neither a dog nor very pleasant to touch.

JESSE:

Neither of these creatures are big.

KHABRIEL:

Oww, it's a hot dog!

MEGHAN:

He looks up, he's like,

KHABRIEL:

Oh hey guys!

MEGHAN:

And sort of just like pats off his arm, which is on fire, because of hugging Addie. And he's sort of-- And I think you guys-- Uh, certainly Aveline, you recognize him immediately.

JAMIE:

Yeah.

MEGHAN:

I think probably like, the excitement and stupidity.

JAMIE:

And like maybe something in the face shape, I'm just like, "Oh yeah, okay, that's that kid". Yeah, I think Aveline just kind of draws into herself a little bit more, probably Esther would notice that they've been kind of throwing around with the familiars and then she sees Khiron's little brother, and is like, just gets a bit more serious, and maybe goes to shake his hand, kind of quite uncertainly.

MEGHAN:

He kind of awkwardly shakes your hand back and squeezes far too hard, just like a big dude who doesn't know how strong he is.

AVELINE:

That's pretty warm. Yep, that's why you don't touch the familiar that's made of fire.

KHABRIEL:

Aw yeah, it's crazy, right? It's crazy how hot that fire can be. I forget all the time and then I touch it and I'm like oh yeah, fire's so hot!

AVELINE:

All the time, touching fire? You're touching fire a lot when it's not shaped like a cute animal?

KHABRIEL:

Um, other people are usually around and remind me not to, but sometimes when I'm alone I forget, you know, because there's like a lot going on.

AVELINE:

Yeah, okay.

KHABRIEL:

You know how it is. But anyway, listen, I think the buffet is open, I'm gonna go check that out, I'll hit you guys up later.

MEGHAN:

And I'm going to say that the rest of the dinner proceeds not-- I'm not going to say not without incident, but much of the same, there's kind of catching up, at one point Porla comes over and sits down, it's just really nice and cordial. You guys notice as the night goes on that there's an empty chair at the table, with like a place setting and everything, and like no one shows up.

JAMIE:

Is there like a name card?

MEGHAN:

No, there aren't name cards.

MAYA:

Were we expecting-- Anybody expecting anybody else?

ESTHER:

Kit, is this for your partner?

KIT:

Ah, no, she had to um... Ah, she has to keep, you know, track of the kids.

[laughter]

ESTHER:

Your kids?

KIT:

Not my kids, just the kids at the monastery. Uh, back at the volcano.

MEGHAN:

Um, Porla says,

PORLA:

That's for Khiron.

KIT:

Right. [sighs]

[sweeping music transition]

[falling synthesizer notes echoing]

MEGHAN [FLASHBACK]:

Year one. We're going to start the day after the final battle.

PHIL [FLASHBACK]:

The eight of rods.

MEGHAN:

Oh my god it calls them rods, that's so funny.

PHIL:

Yeah.

MEGHAN:

So I'm going to assume that's wands. Oh god, this is so fucking juicy.

[Phil laughs]

Your character receives a letter from one of the other party members that changes everything. What is it? So this could be any of the other player characters or the NPCs.

PHIL:

Okay. Actually, I think I receive a letter from Porla. I think like after the final battle, Kit felt like really bad, and sort of like yeeted himself back to the monastery. And just felt awful. I don't think that he and Porla ever actually talked that much, I don't think they were very close. But he received a letter from Porla, and I think Porla seems like the kind of person who would like just document a lot of little things, and I think that the letter is-- It's not like a love letter, if that makes sense, you know it's sort of like a letter of appreciation, and just like this listing of a lot of nice things that Kit did. So I think it changes everything in that I think Kit going back to the monastery was sort of very defeatist, and he was very focused on like, you know, "the monks were right the whole time", "everything I did was a waste", and I think that it starts to make him feel like he could be useful to the world at large.

[sweeping music transition]

WINSWIP:

Porla? How are you-- How are you holding up tonight?

PORLA:

Um... You know, I'm just so busy, that it's like, ah, hasn't really hit me yet. You know, there's the dedication of the memorial, ah, monument, that's kind of the main event, and that's, you know, after this, so-- I don't know, we'll see how that goes. I'm a little nervous, but, um, we're gonna be okay.

WINSWIP:

Hey, if you ever, I mean-- I know tonight's pretty busy and crazy, but if you ever want to talk, you know, while we're still in town, I mean, you know where to find me.

PORLA:

Sure. Yeah. We'll do that.

MEGHAN:

And I think we'll fast forward to the end of the dinner, when Kyrelius kind of gets up and speaks, and he sort of gives one of his grand proclamations and he thanks the turtle DJ and everybody claps for the turtle DJ, because he's the best DJ, and Kyrelius says,

KYRELIUS:

And now the time has come for the main event, we are dedicating the memorial statue to Khiron, our hero, would you please follow me up to the hills where we will do the ceremony and unveil the monument?

MEGHAN:

And he leads the crowd out sort of through campus to a secluded area that you all sort of know from just having been part of this adventuring guild and explored around the area. It's like-- How do I describe it? I never know the words for nature things. It's like a tall, um, cliff wall, and you're at the bottom of it. So it's like almost like a naturally-occurring wall situation. And at the foot of it is a ledge, of like an elevated grassy area that has-- --It kind of slopes down on both sides and then flattens into like a lower area. And you see on that lower area are, again, that kind of hodgepodge of chairs, some folding, some non, some old, you know, just really collected from just about everywhere, and up on that little ledge you see a large object covered in a tarp. And you see a podium. It's still a little sweaty, it appears to have been moved--

>JAMIE:

It's been a few hours, that's a really enduring sweat.

MEGHAN:

Yeah. And you see there's sort of some magical fairy lights and enchanted torches and things, kind of lighting the way, it's really beautiful. And Kyrelius escorts you guys to places of honor in the front row.

NEDA:

Noriah just follows this entire thing and just sits down, isn't keeping track of who's next to her. You all can make this choice for yourselves, but like as soon as she sits down, she offers her left hand to be held by like whoever is on her left.

MAYA:

Winswip will take that seat. And grab it-- Grip it tight.

JAMIE:

I think Aveline has Addie doing that thing that service dogs do for people who are nervous in public spaces, where they kind of just walk around the person in a little circle to like give them space, so she's like walking up to the front row with this tiny antelope just kind of doing the loops around her to kind of keep people from getting a bit too close, and, um, sits as far away from Porla as possible for this moment.

MAYA:

She can sit next to Winswip. Winswip will hold out her other hand.

MEGHAN:

You guys actually see that Porla isn't sitting with you guys, she's off standing with Kyrelius and another-- And a woman who you guys recognize as the assistant head of the guild. She's like this very stern tiefling woman named Willa, who never smiles, ever, and is certainly not smiling now. But Porla is standing with them in a place of great importance, and she looks very like, official. And it kind of hits you guys like, yeah, she really works here, and she's really hot shit in the adventuring guild.

PHIL:

I think I actually sit next to Esther, and I'm like, all of this, like being reminded of, this is why we're here, I think Kit sort of has his head hunch-- Or he's sort of hunched over, with his hands like on his knees, folded over, and he takes a big sigh, and he says,

KIT:

Esther, I-- I-- You know, it's been really hard today, and I'm sorry I snapped at you back there. I think we've all had to deal with this in our own way, and um, I'm really sorry about that. I don't think Khiron would have wanted us to be snapping at each other like this.

ESTHER:

Yeah. I mean, she probably wouldn't have minded the aggression, from us.

KIT:

Yeah. That's a good point. I think she would've gotten a kick out of that.

ESTHER:

Listen, Kit. I did take what you said to heart, so deeply. But I'm also expressing that information in my own way, and I'm not-- and that is-- what it is.

KIT:

Yeah. No, I-- I totally get it.

JESSE:

And I think Esther puts his arm around Kit, and just like leaves it there, and just kind of like brings him in, pretty tight.

PHIL:

Yeah and I think I, you know, accept that, and Kit like leans over, like on the verge of crying I think, whatever's about to happen, like I think it'll like send him over, depending on what it is.

MEGHAN:

Just as you feel the tears about to spill over, you see some of the fairy lights dim and they all sort of concentrate on this makeshift stage, this ledge, with this covered memorial that we're all waiting to see unveiled, and this podium. And up to the podium steps Kyrelius Murrie, in his burgundy shabby suit, and he says,

KYRELIUS:

Well, good evening everybody, thanks for coming. This is the main event, this is what we're all here for. Of course, I've gotta little speech prepared for this occasion, so I want to say the following to you:

MEGHAN:

He kind of holds out his paw at Willa, the stern tiefling lady, who just like, [noise of annoyance] scoffs and like holds out a piece of parchment for him. And he unscrolls it and he says,

KYRELIUS:

Welcome, esteemed guests we are here today to commemorate the sacrifice of the greatest and noblest hero to ever pass through the halls of Saint Simone's Adventuring Guild, the noble Khiron Omaralei. As we all know, Khiron sacrificed her life to turn the tides of the battle of Horizon Fall, so that our bravest heroes could prevail against the evil Dreadnought and its minions. In honor of the ten year anniversary of this heroic sacrifice and victory, it is my honor as head adventurer of Saint Simone's to present to you this beautiful statue of Khiron. May her image inspire many generations of future heroes to choose the path of goodness above all.

MEGHAN:

And you see Porla and Willa pull down this tarp, and you see this gorgeous, massive, statue in the likeness of your fallen friend, Khiron. She was pretty tall, but it's definitely taller than she was, which she would have liked. She always wanted to be a little taller. She's not exactly smiling, but she looks a little bit mischievous. Half-elf, with short hair, in one hand she's holding this massive, beautiful, sword aloft, and the other hand is sort of over her heart. And she has a cape and beautiful armor, and the armor is actually kind of made of brass, or some sort of like goldish metal, that's adorning the marble, because those were sort of her colors, were white and gold. Yeah, it's just um, it's a lot. I think it's a lot. It's a really, really beautiful monument. And there's sort of a moment of silence, as everybody just kind of regards it. And then, Kyrelius says,

KYRELIUS:

[clears throat] It is at this time that I would like to invite Khiron's brother, Khabriel Omaralei, to the stage to deliver a poem that he has written for this momentous occasion.

NEDA:

Like tearfully, you hear Noriah whisper,

NORIAH:

[whispering] Oh no.

[laughter]

NEDA:

Like I'm fully sobbing, but I'm also like,

NORIAH:

Oh, this is not about to be a good poem.

MEGHAN:

You see Khabriel take the stage from where he's sitting, he's on the other side of the front row, sitting with his parents, who are also like very much weeping at this point. His dad kind of grabs his shoulder and is like, "you can do it son", and then he gets up on stage. As he stands at the podium, you are struck by how charming he is, obviously he's like super attractive, but he also just has one of those presences, where even though you know the poem is going to suck dog shit, you're still excited for the poem. And uh, he's already a little bit tearful. And he says,

KHABRIEL: A

h, thank you, Kyrelius. This is a poem that I wrote. I'm more of like a music guy, but, uh, you know, poetry is also, um, really important to me. So, and I thought I would do a song, but Khiron always hated it when I sang at things, because I think she was probably mad that I was so good at it, but you know, I thought, it's her day, so I won't upstage her.

MEGHAN:

And then he kind of laughs and looks up at the giant statue, and is like,

KHABRIEL:

As if that were possible.

MEGHAN:

So, he says,

KHABRIEL:

Okay. Here we go. Ahem. Brrrrrrrrrrrr......

MEGHAN:

And he starts doing like some vocal warmups.

[laughter]

JESSE:

Oh my god. Esther like, under his breath, is like,

ESTHER:

I fuckin' hate this guy.

NEDA:

I turn and try to give Esther a meaningful look of like, "this is what people think you're like".

JAMIE:

I think I'm sitting next to Esther and I'm just like,

AVELINE:

You're just jealous.You're just jealous because he's even more of a little handsome golden retriever than you are. Shut up. Let him read his poem.

ESTHER:

I wasn't talking to you, Aveline.

[laughter, shushing]

MEGHAN:

You guys are just fully whisper-bickering as you hear this poem start.

WINSWIP:

I think he's gonna be great, I think he's gonna be great. Look at him, look at him, he's fine.

MEGHAN:

He actually looks at you meaningfully as he starts, and he looks at you guys in the front row and you freeze in your awkward fighting. He says,

KHABRIEL:

They came from all over, the glorious eight.

They came without knowing they'd do something great.

The party set out to explore lands uncharted, but stumbled on evil soon after they started.

A monster too large to be properly caught

it took much pursuing, this terror Dreadnought.

But after much questing, came the final brawl,

the infamous battle of Horizon Fall.

Like a shadow, Noriah stealthed into the fray,

fearlessly drawing first blood of the day.

Following close, slinging fire, came Esther,

not bad for the son of a futures investor.

Pause for laughter. [

laughter]

MAYA:

Does he say pause for laughter?

MEGHAN:

You know he does.

JESSE:

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

[clapping]

Hilarious.

[laughter]

WINSWIP:

This is a very accurate recap, wow.

MEGHAN:

He continues,

KHABRIEL:

Brave Kit single-handedly dispatched a horde

of minions spawned solely to serve the dark lord.

B

ut the Dreadnought was mighty and felt little pain,

until Aveline thought to transform the terrain.

Thus hindered, the Dreadnought was clearly in trouble,

it barely could walk through the vines and the rubble.

Winswip slashed with all her considerable might,

but all hope seemed lost when the Dreadnought took flight.

MEGHAN:

And then he like very loudly turns a page.

KHABRIEL:

A win seemed impossible, defeat was nigh,

for how could they slay a Dreadnought in the sky?

Then suddenly, Khiron the paladin knew in her heart the brave deed that she needed to do.

She knew she possessed a great blessing of light,

a boon from her god to give strength in the fight.

But if she deployed all that light in one blast,

and aimed for the Dreadnought, they might win at last.

So knowing the blast would destroy her as well,

she fulfilled her duty and the great flyer fell.

Sweet Porla, who healed everyone with such ease,

found that Khiron was gone and fell to her knees.

But the fight was not over, as well you all know,

until Brekx intervened with that fatal last blow.

And when they plunged their sanctified sword into the heart,

of the Dreadnought, it smoldered and crumbled apart.

The battle was won, the land was at peace,

but for Khiron our sorrow would only increase.

[shakily] Now ten years have passed, and we still miss our girl,

[sighs] I'm sorry--

MEGHAN:

And then he runs off stage.

JAMIE:

I, Jamie, actually teared up at that, I was going to make a joke about that being what a Brown education produces, but I'm actually crying.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

Listen, it's hard to write a bad poem when you're me, but I'll do anything for you guys. So he runs off stage. You see Porla look very concerned and chase after him, like,

PORLA:

"Wait, come back! Wait, uh, Khabriel!"

MEGHAN:

And up to the podium steps Kyrelius,

KYRELIUS:

I think we can all agree that this is, you know, that was beautiful, and you know, we can just imagine in our hearts what the last line of the poem would've been. I'm sure it would have rhymed with "girl" somehow, and it would have been simply beautiful, so thank you Khabriel for that lovely--

[ominous rumbling explosion sound]

MEGHAN:

All of a sudden, the ground beneath you just shakes violently.

[distorted explosion sounds continue]

Everybody needs to make a consitution saving throw, a DC 16.

MAYA:

Who could've foreseen...

NEDA:

Noriah let her guard down after the statue was revealed and it wasn't anything horrible,

JESSE:

[rolls] 22.

PHIL:

13, I don't make it.

JAMIE:

Did you say 16?

MEGHAN:

Mmhmm.

NEDA:

22.

JAMIE:

I got a 17.

MAYA:

13, wow.

MEGHAN: I

f you passed, you're okay, if you failed, you are knocked prone. You fall out of your seat onto the ground.

PHIL:

Ow.

MEGHAN:

And you are all showered with rubble and hard frozen ground, as you hear a great screeching,

[reverberating screech]

it's like a scream that is somehow

[screeching and screaming continues, echoing]

so inhuman and yet also a little bit scarily human. And as you look up, and you see this rain of dust and dirt and a little bit of old snow falling down around you, you see in the place where Kyrelius was and the place where the stage was a massive, gaping, toothy maw. And it is attached to a large like cylindrical worm-type creature that is slowly and painfully screaming its way out of the earth. It is covered with these hooks that are like old stone that's been frozen and unfrozen hundreds of times, and the earth around it is steaming, and you see these waves of heat emanating from it, and you see the frozen ground around it thawing into mud. It is chaos. You hear screaming, you hear scrambling, and the last thing that I will say is you hear-- It's not much, considering all the chaos going on. You hear a creak, and you hear the Khiron statue start to tip, and as if in slow motion, you see it tip over and start to fall, and it hits the earth with a thud. And I need everyone to roll initiative.

MAYA:

Oh, how could you.

JAMIE:

Meghan!

PHIL:

Oh baby, okay, let's get it.

WINSWIP:

Oh god.

JESSE:

19.

NEDA:

15.

[tense music]

PHIL:

12.

JAMIE:

6.

MAYA:

Oh good, dirty 20.

NEDA:

Anton Chekhov has said a lot of smart things about guns, and there was a covered big, big thing, that's been covered--

MEGHAN:

There also was a gun!

PHIL:

I was going to say, where's the one gun?

NEDA:

Yeah, where's tha table of guns?

JAMIE:

Where's the one gun?

MEGHAN:

One gun to rule them all!

NEDA:

One gun to find them.

[laughter]

PHIL:

Oh no. This is not what Tolkien intended.

MEGHAN:

Listen, I could have very easily been like really taken this and been like, "Global warming killed everyone so we have to kill the final gun!"

[laughter]

JAMIE:

Capitalism was the enemy all along.

MEGHAN:

Okay, so--

MAYA:

So it's Winswip and Kit on the ground, I think, right? Everyone else passed?

NEDA:

Of course it is.

[laughter]

You're having like-- I want there to be a little like cinematic moment where both of you fall and it's like, "oh shit, what is happening". Yeah.

PHIL:

Yeah.

MAYA:

Yeah we definitely lock eyes for a second and just, uh...

KIT:

We'll talk about this later!

WINSWIP:

There's nothing to talk about! What do you mean!

JAMIE:

I don't remember what spells I prepared.

MEGHAN:

I am going to say for you guys, I think everybody would have like all of their standard armor and weapons on them, just because I think, ceremonially, it would be like, in the same way, you know, you wear your like miltary uniform with your fancy sword and stuff.

MAYA:

I was just debating about whether Winswip would need to make a dash to just like steal someone's weapon from them, just like,

WINSWIP:

Hold on, I need this!

MEGHAN:

I think you would all, as these like guests of honor, known warriors, like have your weapons on you.

PHIL:

What's the size class of the worm?

MEGHAN:

Uh... Large.

PHIL:

Large. Okay.

NEDA:

Good!

PHIL:

Large worm. Okay.

NEDA:

Big boy.

PHIL:

That was a third of my HP.

NEDA:

Can we-- Meghan, wait-- Can we say that Porla healed this poor man?

MAYA:

Yeah, during dinner.

MEGHAN:

Unless--

NEDA:

Meghan, I would have asked. You skipped forward, but I was very pressed-- I was very pressed that he was--

MEGHAN:

Okay. You guys would've-- Okay. I will say that you were healed back up to maximum and that Porla was more than happy to do that for you.

PHIL:

Thank you.

JAMIE:

I myself could have done a cure wounds, or a...

NEDA:

For the love of gods, please save your spells.

MEGHAN:

Yeah we'll say Porla did it. Porla did it.

JAMIE:

I did not cast Cure Wounds.

MEGHAN:

I'll say she cast it at second level and got you all the way up to full. You see the great gaping maw of this beast, which as this wormy beast emerges, you start to see it a little bit more clearly, and you realize it's got-- It's got these like great beady eyes, and this massive gaping maw and these antennae coming off of its head like a giant bug. It has whiskers, there's a lot going on with this thing. It is screaming, and finally it seems like it-- It lets out this noise like it's dislodged something from its throat, and it lets out this great cough, like [coughs] and out of its mouth, you see fly this dark shadow, vaguely humanoid in shape but very wispy, it's mostly just like black shadows, whirling around. And all you can really make out is a pair of yellow eyes, and like a spiked crown on its head. And it flies out of this worm's mouth as it kind of coughs it up, and it looks around, and then it sets its eyes on the worm again. And it shoots out a tendril, almost like a long leash, that it wraps around the worm's neck and it just yanks as hard as it-- It appears, as hard as it can, which is quite hard, and the worm screams again. And you guys are all watching this, with this like horrible morbid fascination, and suddenly, [rolls dice] Noriah and Kit-- and also Brekx-- you all feel this sudden, sharp sting in your neck, and as you reach up, you feel like this furry proboscis, and you realize you are being set upon by this nasty-ass like giant bat-creature. And I'm going to go ahead and roll damage at this point for that.

PHIL:

And this nasty-ass bat creature is separate from the shadow, and separate from the worm.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, those came at you from behind.

JESSE:

And it's multiple bat creatures, or just one?

NEDA:

Yikes, man.

MAYA:

Okay, so there's three nasty-ass bats.

MEGHAN:

One per each. One per each, yes.

JAMIE:

Meghan, we're a level five.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, I know.

[laughter]

[dice rolling]

JAMIE:

Welcome to Quest Laid Plans, we will be having a TPK. We hope you've enjoyed our answer to the question "can an old party learn new tricks?"The answer-- No.

MEGHAN:

No, they can't.

[laughter]

Because they're dead. A 15 hits you, right Noriah?

NEDA:

Ah, yeah, it does.

JESSE and JAMIE:

Look what you made me do.

NEDA:

Can we be serious, I'm being hit.

MEGHAN:

You feel it kind of claw at you, and you manage to get out of the way, but that thing in your neck is really lodged in there and you can feel it sucking your blood out.

NEDA:

Ow!

MEGHAN:

And it is going to be 8 piercing damage.

JESSE:

Jesus. And 10 necrotic damage.

NEDA:

Okay. Jesus. Not Jesus because he doesn't exist, but ow!

MEGHAN:

I will say, I think that Jesus probably does exist, I think that everybody probably kept their religious beliefs, you know, just in addition to the ones that--

MAYA:

Let's establish this now.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, this is a great time. As you're being sucked dry by a giant bat, can we talk about Christian theology's role in my world?

[laughter]

Alright. I am now going to assess the damage on Kit. [rolls] 16 to hit, so it's going to be-- So it's also going to be 8 piercing and 10 necrotic for you as well.

PHIL:

Cool, cool, cool.

MEGHAN:

A 17 is also going to hit you. It's going to claw-- It's going to rake one of its claws down your back as well for an additional 7 slashing damage. And 6 acid damage.

PHIL:

Oh!

MAYA:

You do not take-- You're resistant, right?

PHIL:

6 acid, you said? I'm resistant, so it's half, yes?

MEGHAN:

Mmhmm.

MAYA:

Water genasi.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, so as you're being clawed and sucked dry by this giant bat thing, you're sitting here thinking like, "well that acid only hurts a little bit".

[laughter]

JESSE:

And god is dead.

NEDA:

Why are you being mean about this?

JAMIE:

Isn't that just how it is?

MAYA:

We have to get mean right back.

MEGHAN:

Sometimes you have to be mean. Alright, so it's going to hit Brekx with a claw, and a su-- A suck and a claw. [laughs]

MAYA:

The ol' suck and claw combo.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

The ol' suck and claw, it's my favor-- It's my favorite bar.

NEDA:

Boo!

JAMIE:

That's just a fun Friday night.

NEDA:

I mean, that's someone's kink.

PHIL:

Yeah, no, for sure.

JESSE:

Yes. Someone...

MEGHAN:

You know, we have a lot of fun here at Quest Laid Plans, but uh...

JESSE:

Yeah, we're all having fun.

MEGHAN:

I need to orient myself. Can you remind me roughly what order you guys were sitting in? I know you had sort of like established one.

MAYA:

I think it would be... I assume Brekx was sitting next to Noriah as well?

NEDA:

Yeah.

MAYA:

So I have been picturing Brekx, Noriah, Winswip, Aveline, Esther, Kit.

NEDA:

That tracks.

JAMIE:

Also, from a mechanical standpoint, Addie is actually not a familiar. She is a wildfire spirit who is technically an extension of my own soul, and in order to summon her, I have to expend one use of my Wild Shape, and basically instead of changing my own form, I summon her. Wild Shape lasts for two hours, so if we say that she's been around since like the beginning of the dinner, that is hopefully withinn the two hour window and she can still be here without me having to like re-summon her.

MEGHAN:

Sure, yeah. And you can't like WIld Shape yourself while she's out, right?

JAMIE:

No.

MEGHAN:

Okay. Winswip, it is your turn.

MAYA:

Okay. So, Winswip has been knocked prone. So first of all, well as she's kind of lying there, and she just sees all of this happening, and Kit is also knocked prone, and is being fed on, but also Noriah's right next to her, so she uses half her movement to get up, and yeah she's just going to go for it. She gets up, she shouts Noriah's name, and she uses one of her Giant's Might and she becomes large. She shoots up in height, in breadth, and just becomes this huge-- [laughs]

JESSE:

Hell yeah.

PHIL:

Lorge.

MAYA:

--lorge, lorge uh, gnome, and at the same time, she pulls her warhammer off her back, and this warhammer is a steel warhammer, but it's inlaid with like rose quartz, and has kind of butterfly designs on the sides of the heads, and she just yells,

WINSWIP:

Get off of her!

MAYA:

And tries to bring it down on the bat thing that is attacking Noriah.

MEGHAN:

Alright.

MAYA:

Guess that means I have to roll for an attack. [rolls] Ugh. 13.

MEGHAN:

That does not hit. It's a little hard to hit because it's flapping in the air. And as we know from the final battle, flying things are not your forté.

MAYA:

Wow, okay. Just-- Huh. [laughs]

[sweeping music transition]

[falling synthesizer notes]

MEGHAN [FLASHBACK]:

Basically, what I'm going to ask you is, without going into like outcome, what would be Winswip's plan, tactic, going into this battle?

MAYA [FLASHBACK]:

For better or for worse, Winswip's plan is just to try to draw its attention. In particular, because she can get large and it still wouldn't mean much to a kaiju-sized thing, but she can-- she can take a hit, and smack it a few times with her hammer. Enough to try to present the biggest singular threat to it. She goes in, she's like, one feat, one me. [laughs]

MEGHAN:

Yeah, like pick on someone you're own size, or you know, comparatively, as close as we can get here.

MAYA:

Yeah, I mean, she's-- I think as a large creature, I think she's like maybe nine feet tall max, so still not like anything compared to something of the size that I am imagining, but taller than everyone else. [laughs]

MEGHAN:

Um, perfect. So I'm going to have you roll two d20, or one d20 twice, and just tell me both numbers.

MAYA:

Okay. [rolls] Oh, boy. We have a 5 and 6.

MEGHAN:

So the first number represents how much you contributed to the final battle, like how from an objective standpoint like how well you did, and the second number represents how well you think you did. Or like, how you feel afterwards. So, the good news is that you seem to have like a pretty accurate, you know, understanding of what's going on. [laughs]

MAYA:

How little I contributed? Yeah, great.

MEGHAN:

Given that-- Given your tactic and these numbers, like what sort of-- How would you describe what happened?

MAYA:

I think it just-- She got its attention for one round. And then it probably took flight. So you said anything that I say--

MEGHAN:

Anything goes, I love that.

MAYA:

I'm going to say like the one of the most annoying things about being a fighter, or any kind of martial-based class, is when the enemy is in the air. So I would say that it like took a hit, probably hit her back, but then took off. And she was left swinging at nothing, and even with all of her extra little like bags of tricks, because she has some things that can be mobile-- she has Misty Step, and she can levitate a little bit up, but she couldn't-- She never got another solid hit on it again, because then it started changing its strategy and kind of flying around, and giving advantage to anyone else who has more ranged attacks--

MEGHAN:

Yeah.

MAYA:

--at their disposal, so.

MEGHAN:

I could see her too like, just continuing to take hits and take hits, and eventually that would like, you know, take its toll.

MAYA:

Yeah, I think maybe it would-- It was good at swooping down, hitting her back, and she just like missed at most of her opportunity attacks as soon as it flew away, you know, kind of thing, so she got hit more than she hit, I guess. That would be pretty frustrating for her, definitely.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, I can see that.

MAYA:

And her being aware of that makes a lot of sense.

[sweeping music transition]

MAYA:

Well, luckily I get an extra attack.

[laughter]

So I'm going to try that again. [laughs] [rolls] 17.

MEGHAN:

That is going to hit, yes.

[tense music begins again]

MAYA:

Okay, great. So she hits that for-- When you use a warhammer with two hands, I think it's one d10 of damage. So that is what is happening. [rolls] 9, plus 3 is 12, and then with Giant's Might, I get to roll another d6. So... [rolls] 6! So that is...

PHIL:

Nice.

MAYA:

18 points of damage to the bat.

MEGHAN:

Hell yeah. What do you do to this bat with your warhammer?

MAYA:

Fucking squash it. [laughs]

MEGHAN:

Yeah. You smash this bat, and when you raise you hammer back up, it kind of like flaps and flaps and flaps until it works itself out of this hole that you've put it in, in the ground, and uh, it's not dead but it looks flatter than it did before.

[Maya laughs]

MEGHAN:

Flat bat, if you will.

JESSE:

Flat bat.

WINSWIP:

Flat the bats, everyone! Flat the bats!

MEGHAN:

"Flat bats", you yell. Cool, is that your turn?

MAYA:

Yes, that is everything.

MEGHAN:

Okay. Next in the order is Esther.

JESSE:

Okay, so. Since I am right next to Kit, Esther is going to grab the bat and use Shocking Grasp on it. Over 20 to hit.

MEGHAN:

That is going to hit.

JESSE:

Great. So that is two d8 lightning. [rolls] A 7 and a 6, so 13 lightning damage.

MEGHAN:

Okay. It turns out you don't have to just flat the bats, you could also zap the bats.

JESSE:

And it's still-- still truckin'?

MEGHAN:

Yeah, its wings looked a little bit singed, but it's still going, yeah.

JESSE:

Okay. Then I will... Ooh, I want to do this!

NEDA:

Yes you do.

JESSE:

I want to do a Quicken spell. Yeah, just trying to fuckin' zap this thing again.

MAYA:

Zap. The. Bats.

MEGHAN:

You can do a spell and a cantrip, but I don't think you can do the same thing twice. Shocking Grasp was a...?

JESSE:

Ah, it's a cantrip.

MEGHAN:

Can you do two cantrips?

PHIL:

I don't see why not, yeah.

MEGHAN:

Yeah, I don't see why not. I don't think I've ever done it before, but yeah. Alright, cool, I'll allow it, if it's two cantrips, I don't see why not.

JESSE:

Uh, yeah, that hits again. 17 plus 7.

MEGHAN:

Okay.

JESSE:

[rolls] And then 8 and 5, so 13 again.

MEGHAN:

You send down one lightning bolt after another, strikes it in each one of its wings, it lets out like this horrible like [imitates death rattle] sound, and it pops its weird nose out of Kit's neck, and kind of flails in the air.

JESSE:

Alright, great. Am I able to pick Kit up, or that's also an action so not my turn?

MEGHAN:

It's probably an action. Yeah, because he's not an object.

JESSE:

Okay.

[Phil laughs]

JESSE:

Okay, sorry, Kit's not an object.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

"I'm not just a piece of meat!"

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

Anyway, Noriah, it's your turn, if that's everything.

NORIAH:

Oh, god, okay.

NEDA:

So I'm being-- I have a bat flattened but still like-- Is it on me? Am I engaged with this bat?

MEGHAN:

I think that it's engaged with Winswip, but it's not-- It wouldn've been forcefully disengaged from you when it was hit.

NEDA:

Cool. Thank you. Okay, well in that case, has anyone dealt with the worm, or the weird shadow situation?

PHIL:

There's one more, um, bat.

MEGHAN:

That's attacked Brekx.

NEDA:

And there is one more bat, okay. I-- would like to take my movement to just leap over this row of chairs, because I'm imagining we're kind of like stuck in this seating arrangement, and I'm going to take my movement to just be in the clear a little bit more. And then-- Ah, fuck it, I'm just going to Firebolt the-- And that's a bolt, not a ball, it's the cantrip, I'm not cool enough for a Fireball just yet. I'm going to Firebolt the bat that's on Brekx.

MEGHAN: <

p

>Okay. NEDA: <

p

>[rolls] 15, to hit? MEGHAN: <

p

>That does not hit. NEDA: <

p

>God damn it... Okay, that's fine. So what I'm going to do is, as my bonus action, I will hide. MAYA: <

p

>Can you hide behind Winswip? NEDA: <

p

>Yeah, I hide behind Winswip's massive calf muscles. <

p

>[laughter] PHIL: <

p

>Sweet calves. MEGHAN: Y<

p

>eah, never skip leg day. NEDA: <

p

>I am taking my cunning action, MEGHAN: <

p

>Awesome. Kit, it is your turn. PHIL: <

p

>Okay. So we have, all three bats are still up, and two of them have been hit, and how far is like the furthest one from me? MEGHAN: <

p

>So I think it's probably the one on Brekx, and that one would be like-- Like 65 feet away. PHIL: <

p

>Okay, that's good to know. First thing I'll do, the one near me, I'm just going to punch it. So I've-- I'm going to get up from prone, that's half my speed, and then as I get up from prone, I like flip around, and just like ground myself, and then go for a punch. MEGHAN: <

p

>Hell yeah, punch that bat. PHIL: <

p

>And that is 20 to hit. MEGHAN: <

p

>That's going to hit! PHIL: <

p

>Alright. So, that does... 6 damage. Still up? MEGHAN:<

p

> Yeah, it's looking pretty bloodied. PHIL: <

p

>Okay, and then I will... Sure. So, I have my sling out as well, the strike was actually-- was like a punch where I'm like holding the sling, and I punched it. And then I turn around and I swing around my sling, and fire a rock for my second attack over at the bat that is on Brekx. 23 to hit? MEGHAN:

Yeah, you bean that bat.

MAYA:

Bean. The. Bat.

PHIL:

Okay so I bean that-- [laughs] That's only 2. So I just ping it. And then i'll use a key point to do a flurry of blows on the bat that's near me. So that's more-- Two more attacks.

MEGHAN:

Okay. Roll 'em up.

NEDA:

Monks are so cool.

MEGHAN:

We love monks.

PHIL:

I don't think either of those hit. A 15 doesn't hit?

MEGHAN:

No.

PHIL:

Okay, yeah. I got a 15 and a 1.

MAYA:

This is Kit Marpola's no good, horrible, very bad day.

MEGHAN:

Very bat day.

[laughter]

NEDA:

It can only go up from here.

JESSE:

Or you could die.

MEGHAN:

Oh god. Alright. At this point it is Porla's turn, and she is currently cowering off to the side behind Khabriel and a tree that she has found, but she pokes her head out enough to call out to-- you hear her say,

PORLA:

Axiom, guide me!

MEGHAN:

In like a very magical girl way. And she's going to send a Mass Healing Word towards Kit. And Brekx, and Noriah. And I think that's the only people who are damaged, right?

NEDA:

I mean, physically, right now, yes.

MAYA:

Yeah, we're all taking emotional damage.

MEGHAN:

And it's going to be for 6 points of healing.

NORIAH:

Thank you.

MEGHAN:

Okay. And then she is going to proceed to hide once more, and then it is Aveline's turn.

JAMIE:

Okay. So no one has hit the worm yet, or the shadowy humanoid with the whip?

MEGHAN:

Correct.

JAMIE:

Did it look like the shadowy humanoid was trying to hurt the worm, or trying to control it? Can I make like an insight check?

MEGHAN:

Yes. Yeah, go for it. I'll let you do that for free.

JAMIE:

That's a 12.

MEGHAN:

You couldn't really tell whether it was trying to hurt or control it, but it was definitely pissing it off, it was riling it up.

JAMIE: O

kay. Well, I'm going to-- Firstly, I'm going to use my bonus action to command Addie, because I have to use a bonus action to command her to do anything on her turn other than dodge, but she goes after me. And then for my main action, I'm going to do a second level Scorching Ray, which is three rays, and I think I'm going to throw two of them at the worm and one of them at the humanoid.

MAYA:

[chanting] Burn. That. Worm. Burn. That. Worm.

JAMIE:

I'm assuming a 10 doesn't hit the worm?

MEGHAN:

It does not, and I will also say that, not only does it miss, but based on the way the fire kind of interacts with like the heat coming up, when the fire kind of enters the general area of the worm, it just sort of gets sucked inside of the worm, and doesn't seem to really-- It doesn't even feel it.

JAMIE:

Okay. Then can I say I'd like to throw the second and the third rays at the humanoid rather than the worm--

MEGHAN:

Yes.

JAMIE:

--if I see that the first one just doesn't do anything.

MEGHAN:

Yeah.

JAMIE:

22 to hit. And a 15 to hit.

MEGHAN:

Those will both hit.

JAMIE:

Cool. That's 9 damage. A big 9 damage.

MEGHAN:

A big 9.

JAMIE:

To the humanoid.

MEGHAN:

It is actually going to be a big 4 because it is resistant to fire damage. And I will tell you though, for your check that you did to see sort of what its intentions were, you weren't really able to discern exactly what the intentions were, but you were able to get a good look at both creatures, and you were able to see that this is a wraith, which you may have encountered perhaps in your druiding. It looks just kind of like a grim reaper honestly, but like made of smoke, just very classic-looking thing, you've probably seen them around. They're generally sort of a malevolent spirit, and you also see-- definitely recognize the worm thing, you see it has-- once you see it has many legs, you're like, oh okay, that is a remorhaz, which is a giant subterranean creature native to this area, which you would know is like a very dangerous predator to this geographical area. But you also would know that the adventurer's guild is supposed to have a electric fence situation to keep them out, so you've never seen one. But you've certainly seen like pictures, it's very like, "be careful, don't touch them if you see them or you will be dead".

JAMIE:

So they're native to the area but normally they're kept out with an electric fence?

MEGHAN:

I mean, I don't know if it's literally an electric fence, but it's a fence that would suppress the--

JAMIE:

It's a zappy magic field thing.

MEGHAN:

It's almost like the opposite of that, where it suppresses the vibrations that they would normally feel from people walking around aboveground, so they could like hop up and eat them.

JESSE:

Oh, cool.

PHIL:

Ah... Walk without rhythm.

MEGHAN:

There you go.

MEGHAN:

Ah, let's see, is that your turn Aveline?

JAMIE:

That's my turn, but then Addie has her turn.

MEGHAN:

Cool.

JAMIE:

So I have commanded her to act, and she's going to do Flame Seed, which is a-- [laughs] It's really annoying being a wildfire druid fighting some enemies that are resistant to fire. So if I were sitting at the same end of the benches as Kit, is there still a bat kind of engaged with him?

MEGHAN:

Actually you're probably closer to the bat that's engaged with Winswip. I think that one's like right next to you.

JAMIE:

Okay. Then Addie is going to make a ranged weapon attack against the bat that's engaged with Winswip. I've rolled three 7's in a row on this same dice. Um, that's a 14 to hit.

MEGHAN:

It's not going to hit.

JAMIE:

That's it, that's my turn.

MEGHAN:

Also as long as we've named all the other monsters, the bats are strigoi. They're like bats but they have long proboscises, and are gross.

MAYA:

I hate them.

JAMIE:

They're like bat vampires.

MAYA:

That's super gross.

MEGHAN:

They're like if the Monster Manual was Pokémon, they're like an evolved-- the next evolution up from a Stirge. Okay. So it is now the worm's turn, and the worm is going to attempt to bite the wraith.

JESSE:

Twist.

ALL:

Twist!

MEGHAN:

Yeah, it snaps its jaws at the wraith and it just completely-- It's made of, you know, wisps and smoke, and it just is a little too fast for it. The worm is also going to continue its movement, and kind of worm its way down--

MAYA:

Worm its way down to worm town.

[laughter]

MEGHAN:

[singing] Won't you take me to wormy town? [speaking] It's going to start to worm its way down the slope, around onto-- Closer to where you guys are, on the side where Brekx and Noriah are.

PHIL:

So the worm, and the wraith, like emerged basically from the raised green platform thing, and now it's coming down. Okay.

MEGHAN:

Mmhmm. It's coming down the slope--

JESSE:

Is the slope like a sheer face, or like is it like a little-- gradual?

MEGHAN:

It's a sheer face in the center, up to the little ledge, it's like the stage ledge situation, and then it's like almost ramped on the sides but like naturally so.

PHIL:

I see. So it's like the stage is against a sheer face.

MEGHAN:

Mmhmm.

PHIL:

And then the stage slopes down.

MEGHAN:

Yes, on either side. Alright. So it is now going to be Brekx's turn, and you see Brekx draw a weapon that looks like it's made out of like spinning black molecules of energy, like it's like impossible to perceive, it's like what the fuck am I looking at, it shouldn't be-- that shouldn't be physically possible? You see Brekx go into a rage, and a few things happen. One, Brekx is a wild magic barbarian, so I need to roll on the table. [laughs]

[exclaiming in background]

JAMIE:

Is wild magic legal?

MEGHAN:

Yeah, it is legal.

MAYA:

Is this-- Is this allowed?

MEGHAN: S

o you see a bolt of lightning shoot from their chest as they go in a rage, it shoots out between the many belts, over the bare chest situation, it's very aesthetic, and it's going to shoot out towards the worm.

[laughter]

The worm has to make a constitution saving throw. So we're going to do that now, and it's going to be...

MAYA:

How good can the constitution of a giant worm be?

[laughter]

NEDA:

I mean worms are squishy.

PHIL:

It's squishy, yeah.

NEDA:

It can be big and squishy. Me, just bargaining desperately.

MEGHAN:

It succeeds, so it gets zapped, but doesn't appear to be too wildly harmed by that, and let's see... So that's the first thing that happens. You see this weapon that Brekx had drawn, it starts to sort of morph into the shapes of different weapons, it's kind of cycling through, it's a double-bladed scimitar and then it's a glaive and then it's a morningstar, and as it's sort of roulette-ing through all of these it starts to slow down, and it settles into this just massive greatsword. At which point it sort of stops being less- It stops being so fuzzy and starts being more corporeal.

MAYA:

Cool, dude, that's so fuckin' cool.

PHIL:

You lucky bastard.

JAMIE:

I want a quantum weapon.

MEGHAN:

It is going to-- I just need to look up-- The only problem with this fucking dope weapon is I have to look up what every weapon does every time.

NEDA:

Oh no, the struggle of having access to just every single weapon. Fucking sucks. Very hard.

MEGHAN:

Okay. So it's going to be two d6 damage... To clarify, the sword is called Bedlam, and it-- it's not that you get to pick every time, though techn-- I-- So, there's a table. There's a table of twenty options, and if you crit you get to pick, and I actually crit, so I got to pick and I just picked a greatsword because it was the first thing I thought of. So you see, after the lightning thing sort of bounces off of the worm, you see Brekx sort of growl and turn his attention to the fuckin' strigoi that is engaged with him. And just in these two massive slashes of this greatsword, you see blood fly everywhere and splatter all over him. It's his blood, because it was, you know, sucked out of him.

[laughter]

This thing looks very worse for wear. At this point, you hear a creak, you hear a great creak,

[gasps in background]

and you see that just as it had fallen over, the Khiron statue has started to rise, as though somebody is very carefully lifting it,

[exclamations in background]

although nobody is lifting it, if you were to look a little further to your right you can see that from a ways off, you see Khabriel using his magic to sort of, at a distance, lift this statue up back to its upright position, and as it hits its mark and stands, you see the statue start to move and draw its sword down, take its other hand off of its heart, and it squares up and faces the wraith. And that's where we're going to end this episode!

[all exclaiming]

NEDA:

[sighs] We're very much dying.

MAYA:

That was so good.

MEGHAN:

In the middle of battle--

NEDA:

We're very much dying!

MEGHAN:

Thank you everybody for listening, and we will see you next time.

ALL:

Bye!

NEDA:

Love, you bye!

JESSE:

Bye!

MEGHAN:

Cue the bossa nova version of Take Me To Church.

JESSE:

Doo, ba doo, ba doo doo doo--

[cowbell, organ, and bass fade in]

[bossa nova plays]

MEGHAN:

Hey everyone, it's me, Meghan. I just wanted to thank you so much for listening to our second episode, and I wanted to really, really, really thank you for all of the wonderful feedback we got from episode one. It was so much fun to share it with everybody, as I said last time, just like surreal to put it out into the world and hear that people like it, and we would love to keep that positive energy going, and so if you want, there are lots of different ways you can support us. We have a Patreon now, that's Patreon dot com forward slash Quest Laid Plans, if you want to give us a small monthly contribution in exchange for some really cool bonus content that we're cooking up for you, and if you want to support us in a non-fiduciary way, please stay tuned for a message right after this from our very own Jesse B. Koehler. Bye-bye.

JESSE:

Hey, Questies! You got friends? Are you at a lack of words of what to say to 'em? Have I got the words for you. "Quest Laid Plans is the best podcast I've ever listened to. It's taught me so much about myself."See, Questies? That's all you have to say. Saying words, out loud aren't really your thing? Write 'em down! In a review. For us. And put some stars next to it. Preferably, five.

[theme song plays]

[end of episode]